Blues…

Hi there,

I do not know who I am addressing to when I write this blog. I will try my best to name this entity. This entity is a feeling. A lot like anger. And a lot like disappointment. And also failure.

I want to believe that everyone feels like this once in a while. By believing that maybe I make this feeling smaller. But when it hits, I feel like nothing I can say or force myself to believe makes it go away.

It may seem like I am rambling now – which I most certainly do not want to do. What I do really want to do is write. Why? Because I hear that writing help. Writing makes you calmer. Think rationally. In my personal experience, writing makes me organize.

Writing makes me organize all those sentences and words and thoughts and place each of those in a compartment. I am nit picky. I will pick at each of those compartments and touch it, feel it, sense it. And once I am done ruminating, I will put a lid on it. What I am hoping is that by the help of writing I can quickly close this process.

But then what about the blues that follow? I wish that there was a thing I could do so that these blues go away when something just does not feel settled.

Over time I have tried many things to avoid this unsettled feeling. Avoiding, ignoring, getting a snack, having my favorite beverage, facing it head on…blah blah. Never did I try writing and hence this attempt! Writing is feeling a lot like talking to myself. Without actually doing it and being at a risk of someone over hearing.

So today, I try writing to fight the blues. Hope it helps you too!

 

 

First blog post – A place called home..

A place called home.

When I think of home I immediately think of the 3 storied stone walled and tree lined beauty I had the privilege to grow up in. After all how many folks get an opportunity to say, “I grew up in a home my grandfather bought to raise my dad” What a privilege indeed!

I read this somewhere today: “My home is not a place, it is people.” -Lois McMaster Bujold (who is an award winning fiction writer) and Oh my!  – it struck a chord. Actually that is what prompted me to start this article today, my first blog!

My home is what some might refer to as a ‘sleepy town’ back in India, for me was my whole world. Never stayed away from it for more than 10 days at a stretch (literally – I counted! It was the longest vacation I have taken during all my time there)

First time I stayed away more than 10 days was when I first moved to the USA – to sunny California. Funnily enough, when I got to SF Bay Area, it was late in Sept and it was ‘fake sunny’ weather. Let me explain, ‘fake sunny’ – It is a concept I got introduced in California wherein what others might see as a nice warm sunny afternoon, people who actually experience it physically quickly realize is nothing but deception as it is extremely chilly. Anyone who visited San Francisco knows this fact. On that note, here is picture of me during one of my first visits to San Francisco – freezing my butt off during a fake sunny Thanksgiving Day in 2010.

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Sorry, lost track of my point there….but who doesn’t like to look at pictures?!

OK seriously, so what I was wanting to talk about was, my home in my town Pune, India and now here I am in the USA to study. But I didn’t look at it that way – I didn’t just come all the way to USA to study. I came here to find my new home. When I would actually find it – is another story.

At first I thought my home was in Santa Clara, CA where I went to school. But no, it wasn’t. It definitely was not a place I would call home. It was a rental. Shared with other girls like me – on a quest to find their own ‘place’. Anyhow – many such rentals later, I think I got a glimpse of “home”. This time it was far away from the ‘gi-normous’ home I grew up in – In fact it was quite the opposite. It was minuscule. But…it was mine! I am referring to a small studio I rented in Sunnyvale, CA in 2014 (Jan – Jun 2014 to be precise). Yes, it was a rental and no, it had no other people except myself living there but it was what came close to “home” as finally I was at peace. After living ~21 years in a home that housed 13 odd people and multiple pets, I was “at home” with myself in my lil studio. All I can say is, it felt quite good. Let’s take another picture break – Here is one where I was cooking chicken (one of gazillion instances) for my then boyfriend and now husband – Bharath who visited me on the weekends driving all the way from ‘Sunny’ LA! ….Lol, LA is definitely less fake sunny than SF.

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PS: Notice the kitchen counter/dining table/pantry. Love it.

But it still was not a home in its truest form. Because it lacked my people. But they weren’t far behind, mind you. Lo and behold, mid 2014 brought me marriage and then slowly but steadily I moved towards finding this ultimate home and I think today, on March 3 2017 I think I have come very close to feeling at home. ‘Cause truly, it is not a place but it is the people you live for and share it with. And mine I share with these 2 monkeys!

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Thanks for reading 🙂